Some days are better than others, that much applies to pretty much everyone.
Some days I feel like everything is wrong or off and nothing is the way it should be.
I can't talk to anyone about what I feel, some would say I'm exaggerating, others would fear for me and my sanity, others still would think me melodramatic, or whatever.
It isn't that easy, its not so cut and dry. Triggering mood swings happens, but when it does, the mood goes fucking nuts. No in between, no maybe its only halfway.
All the damn way.
Like now. I am struggling to even go to work in the morning. I force myself to go no matter how much I just want to lay in bed and wait for the day to be over.
I don't want to get dressed and look presentable. I don't want to pretend I give two flying fucks about my boss or her stories. I don't want to smile when I feel dead inside.
But I do. I force myself to. Because no matter how shitty or dead I feel inside, I know that it will pass, eventually. It's just a matter of waiting.
The optimism is fading, it is starting to feel like I will never know what it is to not being the midst of a mood swing. What it feels like to not be stuck between wanting to scream and yell, and wanting to cry, out of sheer irritation and frustration.
When does it stop? When does the even keel show up?
I'm waiting.
Hoping.
Blindly groping for some tiny shred of sanity. Exhausted.
Please, just stop. Please, find the middle. Let me know what sanity feels like, however momentarily. Let me clutch it tightly and remember it so that I have something to remember, to hold onto.
Don't leave me floating aimlessly. It just hurts with no pain.
Happy Wednesday.
You just described me so well in that post. I hate saying to people "I know what you're going through", cause no one knows exactly what people are going through, no one can be inside someone else's head and feel what they feel, but here I can definitely say, you are not alone in feeling this way. And feeling like you can't talk to anyone cause they won't understand how it feels to YOU.
ReplyDeleteOne of my tattoos on my wrist is a moon inside a sun. It's how I've always been forced to portray myself - inside is this mess of strong emotions, a daily struggle to deal with normal life, just feeling helpless and hopeless all the time - and then there is the outside me, forced to smile and act like everything is okay, like I can be normal and do about my day like everyone else.
Good luck with everything, and if you ever want to talk to someone who can relate, I'm around.
Chrisy
Thanks Chrisy. I definitely get frustrated when people are all like "I know how you feel". It's like... pretty sure you don't. There is a very small percentage of people who might know how I feel, and typically they don't say anything, they are just there for me and I know that.
DeleteAlways nice to know that there are some people in the world who don't try to force themselves on others. See you around!