Thursday, May 3, 2012

Swinging Downwards Into... Who Knows

My brain has been stuck on go for the past 2 weeks. I have been doing a fair bit of writing for The Golden Vanguard, and some creative writing on Helium. Not much here, apologies.

I have my next psych appointment tomorrow, and my mood just crashed about an hour ago. I guess I should have seen it coming, since it had been perched precariously the past 2-3 days, and it had been over 2 weeks that I'd been running on mania.

Oh the joys of bipolar disorder. I am currently avoiding medication for reasons of fear of side effects and dependence. However, I am starting to lean towards considering them, because I am just completely unreliable for anything that involves the slightest bit of responsibility.

My daughter deserves someone more stable. My wife deserves someone more stable. My family is probably used to be, but they'd probably appreciate some reliability coming from me. Maybe it's just the swing talking, but I'm feeling pretty shitty in general right now.

Oddly enough, I believe this is one of the few times that I've noticed a trigger to the downwards swing. Right before I (virtually) crashed, I felt an unusual amount of anxiety and needed to fidget. There were no triggers, no immediate or obvious causes to my anxiety. Yet there it was, nagging at me.

I wonder if it's always like that, or just this time? I wonder if this swing will last two hours, two days, two weeks? I wonder if I will tune out of everything around me, or just mope around? I wonder if my daughter will feel ignored because I have no will to acheive or even reach.

I just wonder where I'm going this time.

Editor's note: Thankfully this spell only lasted 5 hours. It is extremely frustrating to experienced illogical mood changes that quickly. It's also very frustrating to have people that you think you can rely on try to tell you that it's all in your head.

If it was all in my head, I would be able to control it. I would be able to focus it, or not worry about stupid little things. I would be able to relax even if my closet isn't organized *properly* and I would be able to pull a real smile out of my ass when I'm sad as shit.

Sorry for the language, but it's officially Mental Health Awareness Month, and compassion is something that is absolutely essential for anyone who suffers from any type of mental illness. It is a real affliction that affects between 20-35% of the WORLD's population. Thanks for reading.

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